Being sick has brought back all my 'ahhh I'm dying' feelings. I started having them after my last doctor appointment when my lung function was low but Amy's visit helped distract me from it all. I was hoping that enough time had past that I would have subconsciously processed all the information but apparently two weeks is not long enough! It doesn't help that I got sick and don't have the energy to leave the apartment.
Stupid feelings. I thought I dealt with all of them awhile ago. They shouldn't be allowed to return. Arghhh!!! The thing is that when I'm 'healthy' (ie. better than right now), the whole 'dying' part isn't as prevalent. It's easy to ignore that I was given 2-3 years to live (without a transplant) because I can still participate in activities I enjoy. I still get to go to museums, shows, pottery class, do art, and read books but when I get sick like this weekend, than all I seem to do is curl up on the couch and think about death (good thing Netflix exists otherwise I would feel even worse).
I know I should expect this more. I'm sure everyone has feelings of 'arghh I'm dying!' when they are on the transplant list. And I know this is just a passing phase. I know that most likely in a few days, I'll start to feel better and my
coughing will reduce from a thousand to a hundred times a day. I just
need to process this latest bump in the road and move on. I know that I'll get through this but right now, it just seems hard to shake.