Before I moved to Toronto, my brother asked if I had the option, would it be easier emotionally to know when the surgery is going to happen or is it better that it is a surprise unknown date? At the time, we both thought that not knowing the day would be easier as it doesn't allow you to have that emotional build up during the weeks or months before the surgery. Now, however, I'm not so sure.
At the beginning, it didn't bother me at all that I didn't know when the surgery was going to happen. However, as more and more time passes, I start to think the trade-off from the lack of emotional build-up to one specific known day, is a slow daily emotional drain. Every time I plan something, I wonder if I'll be able to attend. Every time I attend a show, I figure out an exit strategy in case my pager goes off. Every time I can't get a hold of Isaiah or my family, I wonder what would happen if I got the call at that moment. As much as I try to not think about it, everything seems to revolve around that 'just in case' or 'what ifs'.
I realize that all of this is pointless speculation as it's not like I have a choice in any way but it's something I've been pondering for the past few days. But honestly, waiting for major surgery in either situation is going to be stressful.
I'm just very thankful that I'm not currently in contention to break the record number of false calls which is 8(!!!). That person must have stopped believing the nurse after the 4th call and stopped notifying family after the 7th. What an emotional roller-coaster that must have been. I'll take my silent pager over that experience any day.