Sunday, 8 February 2015

Happy belated anniversary, Isaiah!

I made it 24 hours without going to the hospital. Yay! I literally spent all of yesterday watching TV and started knitting the thumbs on the pair of mittens I made in Nov. It was a perfect relaxing day. Not that I've done much more today, it was a day of chatting with family, a long soak in the tub, and generally being thankful that there is no continual beeping in the apartment. I have never appreciated silence as much as I do right now.

I realized today that Isaiah and I missed our anniversary on the 1st. We 100% forgot all about it. We've never been big on celebrating anyway but usually I at least make a card or wish him a happy anniversary. I guess with everything happening, it slipped my mind. I felt like the worst partner ever once I remembered. Oops.

Isaiah has been amazing throughout this entire transplant process. He is so chill when anything happens and never seems to get flustered when I rant or burst into tears. He has shown up at the hospital every day with clothes, food, and games; picked up and sorted through all my meds; ran all the household errands; and basically kept everything running while I was in the hospital. I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through this without him. Sure, I came home to a somewhat messy apartment and the Christmas decorations are still up, but it's not as though I expected him to return from being at the hospital all day to clean the apartment. My expectations are not that high.

While I don't know how I would be surviving the post-transplant world without Isaiah, it is still weird to have a partner also as a caregiver. It creates a weird relationship dynamic when one person has to rely so much on the other. It is hard for both people as what was once a egalitarian relationship becomes a caregiver-dependent relationship.

I'm trying to do more stuff for myself but when I struggle to find the energy to put on pants in the morning, I'm unlikely to be helping cook supper anytime soon. I do want to help and feel as though I should be doing more but don't seem to have the motivation.

I think part of the problem is the fact that I've become so use to Isaiah doing everything for me that I've become reliant on him instead of trying the task myself. And I should be doing myself so that I will get stronger and therefore able to do more things. It is just easier, of course, if he does it all for me. And it's not as though Isaiah is harassing me to help clean the apartment, he just seems to think that I should be able to get my own water from the kitchen at this point. I totally am, I'm just lazy when I have the option.

There is such a fine line between Isaiah being supportive and being an enabler of my attempt to do as little as possible. Generally, he does a really good job figuring out where to push me and where to back off which the logical part of me appreciates even though the tired part of me sometimes, okay often, whines about it.

I'm sure most couples have this experience at one point when someone gets the flu or food poisoning. One person ends up doing more of the household tasks while the other sits on the couch and feels bad for not being able to help out. It's like that, only for months on end with no real end in sight. It's hard. So with all our weird relationship stuff, we should probably do some normal relationship things like celebrate our anniversary now that we've actually remembered that it happened.


Dave VanSlyke said...

Glad you're home (again) - now STAY THERE!!!! Kudos to Isaiah for being a rock for you. I'll bet that after you have been out of the hospital for a while you will find the energy and motivation to do lots of things - you'll likely be too bored to sit back and see things undone that you could do and you'll have those new lungs to help. All things come in the fullness of time.da

Sue said...

Happy Anniversary! you are right... this does happen in relationships to varying degrees, and finding the balance is always the struggle. But what is life without that ? ... as you heal you will find more motivation to do things - patience and time! So enjoy your time together and celebrate... you both have earned it!love and hugs