Before I begin this sadness rant, I feel like I need to preface this with the fact that I know being upset about a trip is, in the big picture, a trivial thing. There are thousands of issues that warrant anger and sadness and that I am lucky to have even been able to consider a trip out of the country.
That said, as humans are multifaceted and can feel sad for more than one reason at a time and everyone should be allowed to feel sad when necessary, I'm super frustrated/sad/disappointed/angry about having to cancel my trip to Aruba. I know it sounds frivolous and I realize it's just a vacation that so many people would love to dream of taking one day, to me, it meant so much more.
Back in May, Amy and I started a planning a Caribbean trip for November. It was to be a celebration trip for my one year post-transplant. Pretty soon the entire family had jumped on board and it had turned into - what was going to be - a big celebration trip about the transplant and us all getting through those very tough months.
I was given the all clear to travel outside of Canada so we booked everything and I had been really been looking forward to the vacation. Not just because I really wanted to go snorkeling, walking on the beach, and chasing sunsets, but because of what the trip represented.
This trip meant that I was getting back to my regular life. It meant that I could travel like I did before the entire transplant process started. It meant started to dream about what else I could do now that I was at my healthy 'one year' mark. Traveling and seeing new places brings me such joy and means so much to me that being able to return to that experience, even for a week in the Caribbean, was a big first step to feeling like I had survived and beaten the horrible transplant experience.
And now I'm in the hospital and unable to go. If it was a different trip, with a different purpose, I'm not sure I would be taking it so hard but this was my first big trip away since this entire thing started so it seems that much worse. It's bringing back all the memories of having to cancel my trip to Spain in 2013 when I was told that if I went, I may not return alive. I've been through so much since then and I was moving beyond that and now I'm still here. Still in the hospital. Still unhealthy.
It's so discouraging. I mean, I know, rationally, that I had a good summer and that this is probably just a blip but it feels like the start of everything all over again. I'm being forced out of doing the things I love because of my disability and I hate it. I hate feeling like my body is in control of my life and that I can't just push past it. I hate the feeling of helplessness when everything I had planned is changed and it's all out of my control. If only there was a way to force myself to make more blood cells.
I know I've made the right decision about putting my health first but it's such a hard decision to make. I never wanted my disability to rule my life and it had for the past two years. Just when I thought I might be able to move past it a little bit, it's sucked me back in.
Everyone else is still going on vacation of which I'm thankful. Isaiah now isn't going but I would feel worse if I ruined the vacation of everyone else. Although, I'm sure it will feel strange for them to be on a celebration vacation when I'm not able to be there. I'll try not to guilt them too much.