Last night I dreamt that I was back at work. I was having a ball until I got to the paperwork part of the job and all the forms had changed. At the end of the day, while I was trying to figure out how to fill out my time card, I realized that I couldn't actually get paid because then the government would never give me any type of social assistance because I wasn't suppose to be working.
While I was trying to figure out how to get around the finances, I woke up. I knew it was just a dream but it brought back all the emotions of how much I enjoyed working and how much I hate that I can no longer work. I guess my mind is still trying to process dealing with that loss in my life.
I think it was triggered from a conversation I had with my partner last night when I said that I didn't want to move to Toronto and he replied with a nonchalant, 'So don't, go back to work instead'. I may have slightly overreacted and told him loudly that "If I could go back to work, I would, and it wasn't my choice to stop working but it was making me get sick all the time and that my lung function was crashing out as a result and I would be expediting my death by returning to work and is that what he wanted!!"....I may still be harbouring some resentment over the fact that I can no longer work.
Once I had calmed down, he explained that he was just trying to be supportive and say that I should do what it is that I want to do. I really do think that I should be moving to Toronto as it is the best option for me, it is just hard to be saying good-bye to everyone and move. I really hate moving.
So when I woke up early this morning, I was feeling a lot of emotions about moving and not working. I couldn't get my brain to stop the 'what-if' loop where I think about every possible outcome on a repeat track in my mind. In the end, I put on a CBC documentary on my iphone about the 'Dance of the Bee' and fell back to sleep learning about the intelligence of bees.