Playing dressup.

I took my 'new' wig out today for the first time (I managed to wash out most of the ammonia smell from the dye) to go grocery shopping - it's as exciting of an outing as I'm getting these days. As I was deciding on which wig to wear this morning, I was thinking about how funny it is to be choosing my hair every time I go out.

I tend to just wear a toque or scarf around the house as the wigs get itchy after awhile. I have a few sleep caps that are hideously ugly but very comfy so my head isn't cold while sleeping. They also prevent the itchy feeling that I get from the pillowcase. I'm slowly getting use to the feeling of my bald head on the pillow but it's more comfortable to start out with a sleep cap even if I've thrown it off by the morning. Hopefully I'll get use to the feeling of the pillows by the summer as it'll be way too hot for a sleeping hat.

Very fancy sleep hat. It looks like I have a mushroom head.

But I digress...I was talking about how weird it is to be choosing my hair and look.  I know we all choose our looks to some degree with our hair styles and colours but wearing different wigs has made me realize there are looks where I feel like 'me' or not like 'me.'

For example, the wig in it's previous state 'wasn't me' but yet once it's dyed and cut a bit, it now is somehow. I don't think it should make that big of a difference, it's fake hair either way, but somehow it does. I love all of my wigs but when I'm wearing each one, I feel like I'm expressing a different part of me. I guess it's like the difference between wearing a sundress or cargo pants. Each outfit is a different way to express identity. The purple wig makes me feel more punkish and the long wig makes me feel more girly and like I'm faking being someone with long hair. It's all like playing dress-up in a new way that I'm not quite use to.

I actually found that the 'new' wig felt as though I just had my regular hair back. It actually felt more natural than just throwing a scarf or toque on my head because when I do that in public, I feel like 'cancer patient!'

It's amazing how losing hair can change that much about my identity. It's like I have to suddenly discover what looks I enjoy or don't enjoy. Although probably not so much anymore as I have four wigs and that's probably enough. Choosing wigs and new looks is something that sounds like it should be fun and probably would have been more enjoyable if it was done on my own terms instead of just being thrown into the 'now you have no hair' deep-end.

It's not just my head hair either, I've never felt an attachment to my eyelashes but now that I'm down to about five in each eye, I realize that it was nice to have some eyelashes. Same with my eyebrows.   I know it's been about a month and half since I started losing my hair but it still feels new and a bit like dress up when I put on all my 'lack of hair hiding makeup.'

I've never been a make-up person and now I've spent more time on make-up in the past month than I have my entire life combined. I'm trying to learn how to best put on eyebrows before all the hair falls off. If I ever look very surprised or angry, it's just a bad eyebrow day...I'm still getting use to it.