Emotions.

I'm concerned that I am going to become one of those bitter angry sick people. One of the ones who yell at children because they are being too happy. Sometimes on Facebook when people write whinny states about how bad their day is going, I want write snarky messages about how much they have to appreciate and maybe they should think about that for two seconds. But I don't because that would be a sure sign I've become bitter and it would also get me shunned from the Facebook world. Rationally, I know people have bad days and I do not want to dismiss how horrible it feels when you can't find your keys or when you burn you supper or are cramming for exams. I mean I'm sure someone is yelling at me to stop whining about my situation because there is someone in a worse situation than me. Of course there is, there is always a 'worse case scenario'. I'm worried that I am going to lose that perspective.

I guess what is bothering me more is that I get jealous when people talk to me about their plans for next year or five years because I can't help thinking, where will I be in 5 years? Will I be alive in 5 years? Then I feel guilty for thinking those things and feel horrible that instead of celebrating with you, I am making it all about me. I know I mentioned this before and no, I haven't figured out how to crush that little voice inside of me. I am so tired of being stuck in this limbo and unable to see a future beyond a month or two. I can't tell you where I will be in a month, let alone at Christmas, or next summer and my inability to plan for the future is making me envious at everyone who can. I know I need to keep planning for the furture and not let my health stuff stop me but it can get depressing.

I don't want people to stop telling me about their life plans or how about their horrible day because I really do want to hear what you are going through. I just wish I could shut off that bitter part of me that comes creeping up occasionally. I really don't want to be one of those cranky people who hate happiness in other people because they might not have the same thing. How do I make sure that doesn't happen to me? Will someone please slap me if I start becoming that person?

My horrible life decisions have caught up with me.

I, like most  people, enjoy routine. I like having a reason to get up in the morning and something to do during the day. The lack of routine since not working has been the hardest thing for me. For awhile, I was able to motivate myself to get up early-ish each day and find something to do. I would go to the gym in the morning and then go on with my day. However, that motivation and willpower has been zapped from my body.

Now that I haven't been going to the gym and have no other commitments during the day, I have reverted to my early-university habits of staying up incredibly late and sleeping in until noon. I sleep in so late during the day so when I try to go to sleep at a reasonable hour at 10 or 11 (every day I vow I will break the trend), I end up staying awake until 2 or 3 reading because I'm not tired.

As a result, my eating habits have gone down the drain as I eat breakfast at noon and then supper around 6. Sure I have some snacks but it is nowhere near the 2500-3000 calories that I am suppose to be eating. Its crazy that I ate better when I had to get up for work in the morning, as I would eat breakfast, have a snack during break in the morning, eat lunch, have a snack when home from work, and supper. Now I just laze around when I do get up because I can 'eat whenever'. 

My eating and sleeping habits have gotten worse this past 2 weeks because I haven't had any early commitments to get me out of bed. Today it all seemed to catch up with me, apparently the 9 years (its been 9 years!) since my first year of university has made a difference on how horrible sleeping habits affect my body. I've felt really lethargic all day while also being incredibly hungry. My body appears to be in protest and is demanding more sleep and proper hydration/nutrition. I felt a bit better after laying on the couch all afternoon while my partner supportively brought me juice and food. However, I think one day was enough for him as he is threatening that tomorrow he will throw me out of bed if I don't get myself up before 11.   

On the plus side, I managed to finish a dishcloth. 

Housekeeping note

Just a housekeeping note.

I changed the 'comments' so that a pop-up window will appear instead of having it embedded as a thread on the page. There is a bug in firefox that does not let users comment on embedded threads and seeing as mostly everyone uses firefox now, it may have been preventing people from being able to comment. If you try now, you will get a pop-up window which is more annoying but at least it will work. If you haven't tried to comment then ignore this post.

Thanks for all the support everyone!

Stupid Pinterst

Projects on Pinterst never turn out how they are advertised. This time I tried the herring-bone canvas print that I thought looked cool. And it does still look pretty cool as long as you don't look too closely. This was also a lesson for me on learning when to stop tinkering with the project. I taped everything out which took forever then had a lot of fun painting the actual canvas. However, I used watercolours which I found out when I took the tape off, leaked underneath the masking tape. So when I took the tape off the white sections were not as white as I had hoped. I should have just left it as is but the perfectionist in me wanted the white section to be perfectly white. So I dug out my acrylic paint and tried to cover up spots. I was not very successful. It looks messy close-up but from further away it isn't as noticeable. I think I'll hang it over the stairs where it will be impossible for someone to look at it closely.

Looks better from a distance and when the picture is blurry

Lets play the transplant game

Does this feel like a game to anyone else? A weird game that doctors secretly play in some basement somewhere? Lets play 'Who gets a new set of lungs?'!

My doctors have been throwing around the 'lung transplant' words for years. They would ask me if I was ok with them starting the paperwork process, to which I would say sure. Then at the next appointment three months later, they would ask the same question, to which I would reply "I thought you already did that". Then I was explained that my lung function was still slightly too high to be considered for a transplant but that they should get the paperwork ready just in case it drop down suddenly. I wanted to yell at them just to fill out the damn paperwork already!

When I was hospitalized in February, I was pumped full of antibiotics which caused my lung functions to jump up by 10%. This was great and the doctor mentioned that my lung function had improved too much for a transplant but that we should probably go ahead with the process. While she said that I was thinking 'of course you should go ahead with the process, two weeks ago you were panicking that catching a cold would be the death of me and now I'm good to go?". I was so confused. In the end, I was just on a medication high and once they were out of my system, my lung function went back to where it was before hospitalization.

Basically you have to be sick enough to require the transplant but healthy enough to survive the surgery and rehab. You also have to not have anything else wrong with you and you must be the perfect patient in every way. The Halifax doctors basically told me that you can be denied for any reason, too healthy, too sick, having something else wrong with you, not checking your blood sugar levels every day, looking at them the wrong way, etc...

Providing you aren't rejected, you move to Toronto to wait for the surgery and are started on an intense physiotherapy program. I was informed that because of all the exercise, people tend to see an improvement in their lung function causing them too become too healthy for the transplant. Then they have to wait until the lung function drops a bit but of course not too low because then they wouldn't have the ability to survive the surgery.
 
So your in Toronto, on an intense physio program which may make you too 'healthy' for a transplant, then someone has to die who is your blood type and body size, and you have to be the best candidate in the chosen pool of possible recipients. If there are multiple people who would be eligible and who are all around the same level of health, the person who has been waiting the longest gets the lungs. At least next time you will be closer to the top of the list!

You continue to play the 'transplant game' trying to stay in the magical zone between being too healthy and being terminally ill all while trying to be the perfect patient so one day you may one day maybe win a shinny new set of lungs.

I understand now why everyone is on anti-anxiety medication.