Sisters.

For those of you who are wondering, Amy is still in the hospital but looking to get out on Monday or Tuesday (but don't say that too loudly otherwise her body may revolt). She's started some of the transplant pre-testing over the past week and will have a few more to do once she is out of the hospital (TB test, etc...).

Because this is my blog, I'm going to turn her being tested for a transplant and officially being sick about me. Because it's freaking me out. I'm sure it's freaking her out too but you would have to ask her about that.

Amy has always been the 'healthy one with CF.' The one who is stable and able to hold down a job and never gets sick enough to be hospitalized for very long. I was always the one in and out of the hospital with infections which she somehow managed to avoid a lot of those. Now she's becoming the one that needs a transplant and all I can do is watch helplessly and give terrible advice.

Rationally, I knew that she wouldn't stay healthy forever and this past year has been particularly hard so it's not a big surprise that the time has arrived but I wasn't ready for it (again, making this all about me even though she's the one currently in the hospital). I'm not ready for my big sister to be sick and be down to a life expectancy 1-3 years. This day wasn't suppose to happen. 

Amy's always been my sounding board, the person I call immediately after Isaiah (or sometimes before) when I'm having a panic attack or have some weird symptom. She's the one I send pictures to of my rashes and bumps to get an opinion and who I describe in way to much detail about bowel movements. And now she's sick and my brain leaps to all the terrible scenarios where she doesn't get a transplant and dies and I'm not ready for that. Not that I'll ever be ready for it but I wasn't ready for the feeling of "wow, Amy is not bouncing back from this one like she usually does."

What a terrible feeling to have. As I'm sure a lot of you already know. It's a weird role reversal, not that I'm about to be nominated as 'the healthy one with CF' at any point soon but I'm not use to being on the sidelines and watching other people be sick. It's terrible. Not that being the sick one is any fun either.

I have nothing really else to say. This is all very fucked up.