I've come to the conclusion over the weekend that the fear of a cancer recurrence is never going to disappear. It's not something I worry about daily but it is the first thing I think of whenever I'm feeling off.

For instance, Isaiah and I went hiking on Wednesday around the 5 Islands park loop and I kept getting lightheaded when I stopped to take pictures of all the fun mushrooms we saw. Instead of thinking that I was simply dehydrated and was hiking in humid weather, my mind immediately went to cancer. I flashed back to two years ago when I was hiking and getting lightheaded because my hemoglobin was mysteriously low. Mystery solved: it was cancer.

I think my lower lung function two weeks ago combined with the lightheadedness is what pushed me over the edge and into the valley of "let's constantly think about the cancer returning."

I don't think I was ever really a hypochondriac but I've become one. Although I'm not sure it's hypochondria when it's a very real and specific fear about cancer recurrence. It's more of a low-level anxiety that is sometimes turned up to 100.

And as soon as the anxiety level has been turned up, it's hard to switch my mind off. Instead I ponder all the questions:

"If I start chemo next week, what about my three year post-transplant assessment in Toronto?"
"What about my job?"
"Should we move to Halifax?"
"What if..what if...what if..."

It's ridiculous how fast my brain takes it from feeling lightheaded one day to preparing for hospitalization the next day.

I've gone for blood work this morning so soon this round of paranoia should be behind me. I sent a *probably* over the top email to my nurse coordinator telling her to keep an eye out for blood work and "please let me know if everything is normal."

In the meantime, I will be spending this afternoon carving the giant pumpkin I picked up at the nearby farm this weekend. Happy Halloween, everyone! Don't eat too much sugar!

I choose the goofiest looking pumpkin.