I've come to the conclusion over the weekend that the fear of a cancer recurrence is never going to disappear. It's not something I worry about daily but it is the first thing I think of whenever I'm feeling off.

For instance, Isaiah and I went hiking on Wednesday around the 5 Islands park loop and I kept getting lightheaded when I stopped to take pictures of all the fun mushrooms we saw. Instead of thinking that I was simply dehydrated and was hiking in humid weather, my mind immediately went to cancer. I flashed back to two years ago when I was hiking and getting lightheaded because my hemoglobin was mysteriously low. Mystery solved: it was cancer.

I think my lower lung function two weeks ago combined with the lightheadedness is what pushed me over the edge and into the valley of "let's constantly think about the cancer returning."

I don't think I was ever really a hypochondriac but I've become one. Although I'm not sure it's hypochondria when it's a very real and specific fear about cancer recurrence. It's more of a low-level anxiety that is sometimes turned up to 100.

And as soon as the anxiety level has been turned up, it's hard to switch my mind off. Instead I ponder all the questions:

"If I start chemo next week, what about my three year post-transplant assessment in Toronto?"
"What about my job?"
"Should we move to Halifax?"
"What if..what if...what if..."

It's ridiculous how fast my brain takes it from feeling lightheaded one day to preparing for hospitalization the next day.

I've gone for blood work this morning so soon this round of paranoia should be behind me. I sent a *probably* over the top email to my nurse coordinator telling her to keep an eye out for blood work and "please let me know if everything is normal."

In the meantime, I will be spending this afternoon carving the giant pumpkin I picked up at the nearby farm this weekend. Happy Halloween, everyone! Don't eat too much sugar!

I choose the goofiest looking pumpkin.

Ireland!

We're back from Ireland! We had a great rainy time driving around the country. We didn't make it to the Aran Islands as planned due to hurricane Ophelia. Instead of risking getting stranded on the island (not that we had much choice seeing as the ferry wasn't running), we explored the Burren region and County Clare. Staying flexible is important while travelling during Ireland's (previously unknown) hurricane season.

I'm quite tired after the vacation. We tried to not cram too much in each day but, as evidenced by my slightly lower lung function numbers on Friday, travelling and jetleg in itself can be tiring. I'm trying not to do too much so that I can recover quickly.

A few pictures that were on my phone.

Starting off the trip with a visit to an old abbey. 

Had to walk through a cow pasture to get to this one.

We found some cliffs. Apparently St. Patrick split this piece of land from the mainland when the people living on it refused to convert to Christianity, leaving them all there to starve.

Mom and I went hiking near the Ballycroy National Park while Amy stayed at the AirBnb drinking tea.

Sheep grazing in Keem Head, on the Archill peninsula with impressive cliffs in the background. 

We missed the majority of the heather in bloom but there were still a few flowers left to see

Quick visit to rainy Galway where we dried out in the church to see Mary knitting.

With our trip to the Aran Islands cancelled, we spent a few days in County Clare. It has pretty dramatic cliffs beyond the Cliffs of Moher.

Loop Head pennisula also had a dramatic old castle.

Spent the hurricane day holed up in Kilrush. The morning was surprisingly clear but very windy.

We found an open bakery! We bought some delicious bread that had seaweed bits in it.

More cliffs on the Loop Head peninsula.

Stopped at the Rock of Cashel (not pictured) before a quick half day in Dublin to see their impressive library.

Ireland!

I'm still in Ireland! Woohoo!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope everyone has an enjoyable time with friends and family eating tons of food!

I'm zooming off to Ireland today to see how much it has changed since I was there 11 years ago. I'm incredibly thankful that we're able to go on this trip and that Amy's lungs are stable enough to still travel. Must get in as many trips as possible while we're both feeling good enough - who knows how long this bubble will last. My first time out of the country in 5 years. Woohoo!

Here are some fall pics from the last week. We hiked both sides of the Wentworth Valley on Wednesday and while the trees hadn't really changed colour, it was still very pretty.

Pumpkins and squash at the local farm!

The view from Highhead (by the ski lift)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Urg a cold.

Happy October! I hope everyone is enjoying the crisp fall weather and the smell of dust burning off the elements as the heat turns on for the first time in months (or is that just my house?).

After working for three days in a row last week, I have developed a terrible cold. I don't think it was the actual work that made me sick but the increased exposure to people. More people means more germs. More germs means one sick Allison.

I seem to always have a bit of a freak out when I get a cold over if it's going to lead to pneumonia or rejection and how I'm now going to die from a stupid cold. I realize it's a overreaction but because there is a remote chance it could happen, I can't stop myself.

I spent the past few days drinking tea, napping, and reading books and now the cold has turned into a dry, irritating cough. A cough that wakes me up at 2 a.m. to remind me of the good times I had with my old lungs. I even had to prop myself up on pillows to sleep. So 2013.

Anyway, I hope this better all be gone by next week because Amy, Mom, and I are off to Ireland for a week and I don't want to be that sniffling person on the plane.